The Birth of a New Direction featuring the Diabetes Fairy

I have decided to take my blogging to a new direction.
I've decided to change my Blog of incoherent thoughtful musings of politics and religion.
It will now be turned into a sort of roman a clef.

I have done this for many reasons. I feel it will be easier to incoherently babel about events of my life, and add my thoughts and feelings about current experiences. Rather than try and piece together a jaded confused piece that hopefully would be thought provoking. It importantly will be easier to write and quicker to put out something. Which will mean that i will hopefully write more.
Yes more!
I know all the people who -don't really-read this are going to be super excited, at my increase of productivity.
This blog was created as an outlet to practice my writing, and as you can see it was as effective as eating yourself slim with cakes. You enjoy yourself, but suddenly you're completely round and visited by the diabetes fairy. That sugar infested fat winged bitch.
Incidently I feel this would be the end to the child obesity epidemic. We need to circulate the idea that if you eat too many cakes and sweets,  the diabetes fairy scurries into your open-sleep induced-mouth, kicking at your teeth with her doc martens. (yes she is a lesbian). After she squeezes through your tight gullet, she emmits a  greyish green ooze that clogs up your blood, as she heads to your kidney. When she arrives, she chomps on part of your kidney and then regurgitates the chewed organ into your digestive tract.Finally, punching her way through your (insert relevant sexual organ). Until you can only feel pain and the taste of your crimson mixed tears.
Why, your child may ask?
The answer is clear. She was sexually abused by Tinkerbell and the Tooth Fairy.
....................Maybe, I should write childrens books.

Anyway I digress.
Inspired by Hunter S Thompson's Novels, I hope to write about my experiences. I understand that my life is not as exciting and I do not have a 'voice' like the great man. My Blog will be like a jaded confused man, who leads quite an average life.

Again I can almost feel the excitement stirring in the loins of my readers, both male and female.

Here are some things you readers can look forward to:
An increase of incoherrent ramblings and messages
An insight into my slightly odd and perverted way of looking at things.
An insight into my slightly odd and perverted life
Many incidents of accidently eating Nestle products even though i have enforced a self imposed life time ban
My obsession for crisps
.......Hopefully less of the last one.

Riots, Cameron and Dog Dad.

David Cameron blames the recent riots on broken families.
Fatherless children are apparently the Alzheimers disease that is sending Britain socially senile.
Growing up in coventry, a land over run by bastards-correct definition-I was one of the masses. I have been basically fatherless since I was seven. I will explain why I use the word 'basically' later, but I have not seen my biological dad for 21 years.
However, as a lawful maths teacher, reasonably educated, a reasonable moral compass and with some sanity(some posts aside). I feel despite what Cameron says I feel I turned out good..well ok...or okish.
I can also personally vouch for many friends-who do not fall in the bracket of nuclear family-who are simply awesome people.
However, is Cameron simply wrong or is it just because my mother was a brilliant, dedicated and strong parent?
She was worth two parents.
Although, my mother did worry that I would have no strong male model. However, she had a plan, an inspired plan.
My mother got us a dog.

Yes, a dog.

My mum always said a dog was similiar to a man. Firstly, you always have to clean up their shit. Secondly, you sometimes have to give them a quick kick in the testicles to stop them humping you. (Useful advice ladies).

My mother - and I guess my dog 'Chi chi' - took the role of my father very seriously. They made sure I took part in all the father/son, family and male bonding excercises. For the most part I felt that I did not miss out; the country walks, playing catch, going to sporting events and hunting were bonding excercises that Chi chi fulfilled admirably.

However, there were some drawbacks. Getting disqualified from the three legged race because we had five was upsetting. He never really made a convincing Santa Claus- Santa should have a hairy face but he shouldn't piss all over my younger sister in excitement.

Despite the problems. He was never angry with me, supported me and help me grow as a person. What more can you ask of a parent?

Although, I think my mum may had taken it a bit far. I know that many kids catch their parents in the throws of passion but....maybe i've said too much.

Now, that story may not be true. My family may never have owned a dog, but what it says about society still rings true. Possibly???
Also, sorry mum if you ever read the latter part of this post.

Can relationship fiction be greater than the lack of relationship fact?

I am neurotic, self obsessed and odd.

I thought about applying to Match.com, due to my lack of female suitors. However, when it came to describing myself these were the only three words that came to mind. Not necessarily what women want to hear. Lying was an option. An option that seemed all too crass and unseemly. I struggle to lie convincingly in written word positively about myself, unless to (try and) create humour. It feels like I am a cheap word prozzie. (I have to take many showers after filling out job applications and writing up my C.V.)

So what am I to do?

I’ve decided to take a new-and I think-unique course of action. Partly, due to my growing cabin fever I’m feeling this summer after injuring myself on an ‘inspiring’ adventure. I fear sitting alone in my house has corrupted my mind further than I ever thought possible.

I have decided to make myself an imagination girlfriend.

‘Sicko!!’ I hear you scream.

Although partly true, I’m not creating a partner out of sown limbs, stolen from sexual conquests like the film ‘May’.  I am also not buying a sex doll and making her my- live in-girlfriend, like the film ‘Lars and the Real Girl’. (Incidentally I would recommend the latter but not the former- in film not in act). My girl will be truly ethereal, and importantly will not damage anyone-apart from my sub conscious.  

However who will be my fantasy tryst?

I have noticed that the female characters that I have written have either lacked real depth or are plagiarised heavily on girls I know. I obviously can’t use real girls, as an infatuation on them is bound to cause problems. Apparently, girls don’t like it when they find you rummaging through their underwear draw breathing heavily.

What to do?

If I cannot plagiarise real life, why not plagiarise notable writers? Other writers have done it before me.And, it works for them.

I have decided to compile a list of ten fictional prospective girlfriends from literature, films and history. This is the first five instalments. They are in no particular order, but who will I conclude to be the winner?

1. Amelie Poulain

Amelie- from the film of the same title- I feel would be on many people’s list. She is played amazingly well by Audrey Tautou. Her quirky style and personality is very endearing. She is cuteness personified and magnificently French. I have always liked the idea of dating a French woman, or indeed a French stereotype. I like their supposed snottiness, self importance and dangerous sexiness. Growing up in the West Midlands, the French accent is mind blowingly attractive next to the mindless bashing together of words of the women in my home town-no offence.

However, her being French is less significant to how she views the world, her interactions with the people she meets and her romantically entanglement with Nino Quincampoix. She is morally courageous, and not in a fantastical way. The acts that she does, everyone could do, she is a woman that morally inspires.

 Not to mention that she often speaks to innate objects- her view on (or lack of view on) reality is very interesting to me. I am very much drawn to the idea of having an argument with her, and her turning around and saying;

            ‘Well, the tea pot thinks you’re a dick.’

Or better yet;

            ‘Eh bien, la théière pense que tu es un connard.’

2. Mikal

Mikal-a character in ‘Wristcutters-A love story.’ played by the sheer beauty that is Shannyn Sossamon. Is again a quirky character, which will be among the running themes of the list. However, unlike Amelie she has an anarchist edge to her. Her repeated destruction to signs excites my closet anarchist side. I have never stolen anything in my adult life, apart from a ‘Do not steal’ sign from ‘Big W’. She also steals something similar.

How can you deny a connection like that?

I have also found myself to have a growing fascination with girls that are heterosexual but look like angry lesbians. I’m not sure why? But, there is nothing hotter than a girl that you’re not sure of the sexuality, and then ‘Bam’ they’re straight.

3. Sheeni Saunders

Sheeni- a character in ‘Youth in Revolt’. I must emphasize that it is the Sheeni Saunders from the book not the film. Which unfortunately means that this blog becomes slightly morally grey…? Or at least greyer…. Or maybe blackish grey….

Fine. It’s completely black.

In the film Sheeni, is sixteen. However in the book, Sheeni is-well- fourteen.

‘Oh dear’, the more polite of you cry.

I’d rather not repeat what the less polite of you would cry.

In the book Sheeni, is strong willed, highly articulate, intelligent and a bitch.

How could you say no to those four attributes?

Fine.

I’ll take her off the list.

3. Boudica

Despite a possible Hygiene issue. She defeated conquering Roman armies in the height of their power. She was a strong and powerful woman. She could probably crush a human head with her bare arms. Imagine what she would be like in bed. It would be like making love to a female tiger, a female tiger with smooth skin and baparoonies.

Enough said.

4. Asami Yamazaki

Oriental girls are another stereotype that I am attracted to. Some of you may be thinking, is there any group that I am not attracted too.

Yes, is the answer to that.

I don’t like normal girls, girls that are more concerned with wealth, materialistic goals, babies and nights out than the fragility and meaninglessness of existence, the consistency of wheatabix and whether their best friend is actually a shaven bear.

I realise if you want to live a pleasant and easy life, the former is probably the best course of action. However, if you want to woo me, than it has to be the latter. (Maybe I should write that for my Match.com)

Asami Yamazaki, played by Eihi Shiina in the brilliant film ‘Audition’- is far from normal. She takes the phrase ‘Bunny Boiler’ to a new level.

As a self proclaimed self-obsessive, how can I say no to someone who gets so infatuated with someone that they are willing to drug them so they can’t move, and then cuts of their limbs.

Now, that’s dedication. It really puts marriage vows into perspective in the very least.

In an attempt to build excited tension, I will put the last five in another post.

What could they be?

Or could I have a change of heart when I realise this gives away to much of my disgusting sub conscious?

Or better yet could I get involved with a real woman?........

It seems unlikely

I have already checked and there is no box to tick for looking for women who think friends are shaven bears on Match.com.

Oh hum.

'I'm having so much fun. I need to use my phone.......'

It is my glorious return.

It has been many months since my last post, and although i usually don't concentrate solely on my life events but prefer to post about my views on life (usually because the events of my life are uneventful- and my inner monologue is far more interesting).However, i'm going to take some time to tell you some of the events of my life from my last post to this one.

1. Became a Newly Qualified Teacher
2. Went to a one year old's birthday (apparently the birthday boy doesn't have vodka body shots off other sexy babies- who knew? )
3. Had a photo taken by an attractive lady as I lay in my garden; chubby, top less with back combed hair.
4. Ate a sausage.
5. Was excited
6. Thought about my life as a wizard.
7. Called by a clearly Italian man about a job in South Korea, who stated 'he really wanted to hear my voice'.
8. Considered the humanity of Hitler.
9. Sat down
10. Went to see Incubus

And, it is this last one that i would like to talk about. The Incubus gig. I realise a lot of you want to hear about the about the time i  ate a sausage.
 How big was the sausage? Was it honey glazed? Was there an innuendo involved?
Could you taste the ears and testicles?
All valid questions, but as you can see my life is far too hectic and busy to answer such things.

This is not a review of the gig. It was very good and i did have great time, they are very musically gifted. However, my writing doesn't lend itself well to positive review. I once tried to write a review for Gogol Bordello. It was one of my favourite gigs, but if you read the review it sounds like all my education fell out the window and i became like an American jock stringing together different superlatives.
I also find music reviews boring.
I will however start to get to the point.
When i go to gigs i like to jump around, sing along, shout out at inappropriate times and stand behind a man who is clearly taller than me- with a hairy unclothed back that i can rub against. In other words i like to have fun. Unfortunately some people don't want to have fun. They want to stand still and film Brandon Boyd. Maybe i'm wrong, maybe it is better to not enjoy yourself and stand motionless filming, and then look back and say to my friends.
'Look this is the exact time, when everyone around me was having fun, and the gig was awesome but i chose not to have fun'.
Maybe they hate their lives, so much that only television can take away the pain. To the point, they can't enjoy real life they need to process it through screens, even if its small and in low resolution.
The only reason i can see, is that people need the gratification from other people. They need to prove and show people they are entertaining, they are willing to give up the experience so they have proof of a supposed experience.

A sexy version of me with a phone. The point when i realised I wasn't a wizard.

They can put the video online or on Facebook, and instead of spoken anecdote for a couple of people. They can put it on Youtube or Facebook, and get many 'likes' and 'comments'. Such as; 'Jeallo', 'Wow', 'looks so cool'.Validation from many people.
It's like in some way, the amount of 'likes' you get translates to the amount of actual like someone has for you.
But I have news for you, it's hollow love.
These people are just bored, and your clip is more interesting than Susan Doiwling who is currently eating toast-with Jaaam!!!
That goes for the people who are out, and post ' I'm having a wicked time'-when they're out.
If you were, you wouldn't post it. You would be too busy having fun.

As I write this an unsettling thought dawns on me.
Why have I got a facebook account? Why have i got a blog?
Do I strive for people to validate my own opinions?
Do I want the 'hollow love'?
Have I become what i hate?

I have to stop typing as my salty tears are marring my vision, and the blood from my wrists is clogging up my qwerty keyboard.

I should have stuck with the sausage story.

‘CBeebies’: Vibrant Colourful Upbeat Children’s Channel or Sinister Recruiter into Fascism.

           

Was I meant to grow up when I became 27? Or at least I thought I would be progressing in the right direction. But no, it seems I am not. It seems 2011 is the year that I have got heavily into children’s television. And not, just any children’s television; children’s television that is specifically aimed at the age range 0 to 6. Yeah, take that society. You can’t tell me what I can watch or do. Some might say I’m an equal rights freedom fighter.  Others may have compared me to Emily Davies from the suffragette movement, except instead of running courageously in front on the King’s horse, I watch ‘Rastamouse’ courageously in front of my high definition television. Ok, maybe it’s not exactly the same, but there are some similarities. Possibly?

Breaking ageist regimes aside, there are reasons why I enjoy ‘Cbeebies’. Living the life of a stereotypical student, I am subject to daytime television. Although I would say that most ‘Cbeebies’ shows are of a better quality than most television throughout the day. However, daytime television is especially drab and depressing. Monotonous pointless antique shows, where you’re meant to gaup at crap that has lost its functionality. If it was useful or pretty it would still be made, people! Soul destroying house programmes, that only serve to show you what you can’t afford or achieve, but emphasise the point that you really need it. Horrible ‘car crash’ talk shows, that if you are already worried about the pointlessness of human existence or the fallacy of western community, only act to make you angry, so angry.

‘Cbeebies’ have positive, inventive and educational programmes. And the colours, bright soothing colours. Colours that put a smile on my face and a warm feeling in my heart (In a soppy emo way, and not in the way a warm heart is actually a heart attack). What would you prefer to watch; the red team on ‘bargain hunt’ making a measly £10 profit or an amusing tale about a badger, who is unsure if he has an imagination? Or would you like to know the price of an old piss pot or that sharks lose teeth every week? If you answered with the first suggestion in any of those questions, you have no soul and should really consider suicide.

I must say I did enjoy the episode of ‘Big City Park’, where Billy the Badger was worried about whether he had an imagination. It had many avenues to go into at the end; firstly I thought it might have ended by telling us that Badgers have limited intelligence and no theory of mind, so cannot process data at the same rate as us, and therefore have no ability to imagine. And that, the only reason you could think he does, is at a very early age we anthropomorphise animals (attribute human characteristics on animals). Secondly that true imagination is a fallacy. We can never imagine anything that does not already exists or is an extension/collaboration of things that already exist. ‘Big City Park’ could possibly developed this further, and comment on the philosophical thought that we merely just react to the environment and chemical reactions in our body and have no real free will or free thought.  There are a lot of levels to ‘Big City Park’. Instead though, they decided that Billy had an imagination, he just didn’t know it. This meant that at the end of the programme he engaged me with a story and song, so it probably was for the best.

I realise I have discussed the positives of ‘Cbeebies’ at length, possibly to assure myself that it’s ok to watch it. However, you will realise from the title of the post, ‘Cbeebies’ may not just be amazing colours and philosophical intuitive badgers. It may have an inner darkness. Don’t be ridiculous I hear you shout, it’s just a kids channel. However take ‘In the Night Garden’ for example. It is an idealised world, which could not operate in real life civilisation. A self appointed omnipotent narrator/leader dictates what goes on and keeps a big brother type eye on all proceedings. Lastly and most incriminating; the power hungry narrator demands that all the residents should go to sleep. Which they fearfully agree to, and unless they can fall asleep in a nano-second they are obviously pretending to, fearful of the repercussions. Many of the residents are also forced to sleep on the ground, highlighting their poverty in contrast to the obviously wealthy surroundings they live. When there finally is a dissident, Iggle Piggle. Who finally stands up to this dictator, and refuses to go to sleep. He is chastised and when he finally goes to sleep, he is next seen on a boat floating into the open sea to his inevitable death. Another freedom fighter dead before his time. If you disagree with this, watch the end and this is actually what happens.

‘In the Night Garden’ is not a one off example. The whole channel delights in telling us what is morally acceptable, how we should live our future life, together with mindless chants and thrusts an impossible utopia for the viewers to aim for. This is clearly fascist ideology. There is a chance I may have over thought this, and in my sick mind I want to destroy something that I love. But, what if I am right?  Am I being indoctrinated into fascist ideology, or worse still is the British youth being indoctrinated?

Did Iggle Piggle die for nothing, and if he didn’t surely he should be seen and respected like a modern day Martin Luther King.

Iggle Piggle had a dream that one day he and his friends could live free and not destitute. Is that too much too ask?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/

Alcohol: Berated Saviour of Humanity

It’s Friday night and I’ve just danced, fallen over and high fived a policeman. Was I a menace to society? Maybe a little, but in a fun and charming way. Was there a reason for me for being a little bit over excited and silly? I think so. As a student prison teacher, I have to complete essays, monotonous bull shit forms and complete agonisingly meticulous lesson plans that I deliver to students, who prefer to spend class time socializing and throwing paper. Is that because I’m a rubbish teacher? Yes. I fully admit that I am, but is it my fault?  Could it be because, the course I do prefers to tell me ‘how to change the font on a word document’ then teaches me how to teach, or that my mentor has no control over her class so how am I meant to control them. Hey, I’m not complaining…….

Alright I’m massively complaining.

I’m complaining so hard that if I was a film starring Bruce Willis; I would have complained so hard that the word ‘hard’, would just give up its right in the dictionary, and become the word ‘complain’. The repucussions being that the film would become ‘Die Complain’. This makes little sense, but as much as the stand alone sentence ‘Die Hard’. What does Die Hard mean?

‘Hard to kill’ would insinuate that the lead protagonist would be difficult to kill, not ‘die hard’. It also doesn’t work in the sense that the villains of the film, are dying in a horrific rough justice kind of way. That would be ‘dying in a rough justice kind of way’. The only thing I would state that the title suggests is that either; people in the film will be dying with erections or with some kind of super efficient rigor mortis, that effects you just before you die. Which I think is what Mickey Rouke suffers from.

Anyway I digress...

This current lifestyle is indirect conflict with my lazy, slovenly and work shy existence.

This in turn creates a great amount of tension. The way I dealt with this tension is to drink copious amounts, make a fool of myself and basically for a few hours of a day return to a state of childishness, where there are no worries or issues. A huge cathartic release is what happened on friday as I goaded a taxi driver, and cued for a night club only to have it explained to me that I needed money to enter. Imagine my surprise…..

Drunk idiot, or space efficient genius?

This point was then extended and explained very poignantly by the comedian Stewart Lee, on an episode of  This Week.* Where he raised the point of  alcohol has indeed meant to have cost the country a huge X amount. However, the statistic of what it makes the country is not included, not in terms of tax and business. But, in terms of the public’s need for a release at the end of there week. That in fact the only thing that gets them through the week is the thought of getting trashed at the weekend.

We live in efficiency and time obsessed country, binge drinking is the product of that. We have always drunk, but now having a drink to relax at lunch time is now frowned upon and sitting down with the odd wine is not conducive to our hectic lives. We need that drunken release and we have given it a tidy couple of hours on the weekend, where the need to become reckless is upon us.

People often state that we drink more, and -especially- binge drink more than our foreign counterparts. This is true, however our working week is often longer in terms of hours, we live in a highly material society that advertising exploits to give us the feeling of poor self worth and emptiness. It is encouraged at work to always do something extra if you are going to succeed, society constantly pressures you try to succeed in terms of wealth and fame with hard work. Which 9 out of 10 of you, will not get any reward for. This is not always apparent in other countries. Taking into consideration the brilliant book ‘Affluenza’, written by Oliver James.** He explains that apart from war torn countries, English speaking countries have the highest rate of depression and anxiety.

I agree there are other ways of dealing with your problems, and ones that are much better than having a drink. However, as an Englishman; I feel I am not alone at being a reserved gentleman that is far too polite to shout at my inept lecture, or gleefully taunt my students to get back some self worth. I am left with too alternatives; either i cry myself to sleep, while using my own tears to lubricate my inadequately sized penis or too drink. Drinking seems to be the solution.

Plus my friend always comes in to see if I’m ok if he hears me crying, with disastrous results.

Alcohol or our use of alcohol is not the problem. Society is. I’m not saying it is the solution, but it is a very effective cathartic aid.    

So, the next time you wake up hung-over, embarrassed or wearing the skin of a murdered dead prostitute it isn’t your or alcohols fault. You are just simply exercising your right for a weekly cathartic -tension destroying- release.

*http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/this_week/7928142.stm

** http://www.selfishcapitalist.com/affluenza.html

Why I hate the Pope?

I was the tender age of 25 when I decided I hated the pope. However, I hear a cry from the readers we need some sort of age context. Was it the old pope or the new one, or maybe even a pope from yesteryear? Is it a slight on the Nazi upbringing of the current pope, or the condom hating aids inciting pope that ran before? Or are you just making a crude slight on not really the pope at all, but the Catholic Church and their figure heads? And I answer defiantly no, to both those. I am 27 and so my hate covers both popes. I would never judge two obviously different individuals with the same brush because they can be pigeon holed in the same social group. (For example hating gays and menstruating women just because of a comment in some book…Yum! Tasty religious satire*.) However, I would not pretend to be intellectual and profound enough to attack catholism on ideological and rational grounds in written word. It has been done superbly by individuals that have a much superior intellect and written skill.

Now I hear you scream, ‘what then?’ Is it simply because he wears a silly hat? A silly big hat, Thomas? Does that derive hatred from you? Just because he has a long pointy hat, that is different from the norm? Is that the ridiculous reason why you hate them? Well…… actually that is right. How perceptive of you.

                              Siamese popes; joined by the anus.

Ok, I feel I may have lost you, but in the words of an inept lecturer ‘bear with me’. It is not as simple as it may seem. In my experience there are only two reasons to wear a hat. The first is functionality (stay with me), an army hat is used for protection, a police hat is used so pregnant women can be sick in it (a real English law), a homeless man’s tin foil hat is to protect him from aliens stealing his thoughts and I wear a fisherman’s hat to repel the constant rush of apathy that plagues my entire existence. The pope’s hat has no such functionality. You may argue that it shows us who he is. However, I feel the white robes, the novelty effigy merchandise of him and his constant patting of heads indefinitely gives him away. So what is the other reason?

It unfortunately is a much more sinister reason. Stanley Milgrim in 1974, conducted a psychology experiment. The experiment indicated that 65% of the participants were willing to give a deadly electric shock to a stranger, when an authority figure was present. However, when an authority figure was not present, few participants went the full distance. Another experiment shown on the link below** shows that people will behave in often morally and un-socially acceptable ways because a man in uniform, a man in authority told them to. Authority is obviously a very powerful tool, and that tool can be misused.

 Pope sporting his summer hat.

No one needs to be told about the effects of authority on the masses in 1940’s Germany. Although some may argue that it would not happen in their country but Milgrim’s study as well as a plethora of obedience research, shows that it could occur in any country. I am not making comparisons to Nazi Germany, with the catholic church- that’s for others to decide. (refer to enotes link below) Authority would be nothing without the perception of authority. And, what shows the public someone has authority; uniform and especially hats. What would the army, police, firemen and Dame Edna Everage be without their uniform? They would be just silly men standing with their gun, truncheon, hose and penis

There is also an internal authority within institutions, and this is where the power of the hats comes in. This can be seen in the army as often their hats can show rank and power. Hats show authority within authority, and reflect greater power to the public. I would argue that uniform is the most important precursor for the effective use of authority, and hats are the most powerful and significant part of this uniform. This may have not been the case many years ago, but now it is inherent in our culture to obey uniformed people. Catholic ministers make statements all the time that are ridiculed and forgotten but it seems that the pope is exempt from this. When he speaks the world listens, even those who like me -if you hadn’t guessed-do not believe in organized religion. Why?, because he represents the church, he represents religions views(it could be said that many non-believers listen to the pope as the voice of organised religion regardless that is indefinitely opposed to many streams), he portrays himself as an authority above all authorities. He gets away with this, (please note deliberate use of he) because of his hat. His hat grants him the power, that I do not think he deserves or uses appropriately.

         Pope states that wearing glasses promotes Aids/HIV and offers an alternative

Many may think I’ve cobbled together some weak arguments to make quite a pointless point, you probably are right.

However, my blog is called Vacuous opinions.

And, we can all surely agree that the pope’s hat is stupendously ridiculous.   

*I realise that some observant fans of Charlie Brooker will realise that this is very much-if poorly construed- the way he would comment about satire. In fact is this whole thing a poor attempt at his type of work. Sadly yes, but I’m a new and lost writer. Who needs to derive (often fraudulent) inspiration from other writers.

**http://heroicimagination.org/2010/10/21/obedience-to-authority-man-in-uniform/

http://changingminds.org/principles/authority.htm

http://www.enotes.com/genocide-encyclopedia/catholic-church

Vicarbot 3000

I was one step closer this week to my ultimate sci-fi cyber future wedding; Aliens, lasers, 1980’s Tin-foil garments and of course a robotic minister. My elation however turned quickly to despair, as a Japanese couple beat me to my dream. Ok, so they didn’t have any aliens, or lasers, or 1980’s tin foil garments but they bloody did have a robot that conducted the wedding. Everyone knows that’s the best bit of an ultimate sci-fi cyber future wedding.

On May 16^th 2010 Tomohiro Shibata (42) married Satoko Inoue (36) on a restaurant roof top, in Hibiya Park, Central Tokyo. The marriage was conducted by an I-fairy, a small dwarf-like robot. The I-fairy is quite similar to the futuristic robots of I-robot in appearance, with a curvaceous black and white design. Thankfully the fresh prince is nowhere to be seen.

The I-fairy is said to sell for about 6.3 million yen or £46,000 and there is two more in the US and in Singapore, if you think you want a robot minister for your wedding. Although for £10 and a Toblerone, I could whip you up a suit your human minister could wear out of old baked bean cans and a discarded telly, which could give you similar results.  

As I read further and watched the coverage of the wedding, a nagging feeling started gnawing at my gut, but I couldn’t understand why. Was it the preposterous wreath of flowers that was placed on the robots head? No. (Although why anyone thought that was a good thing to double the minister of the wedding with a plant pot is beyond me).Then it hit me, robots with ecclesiastical power. If robots are able to marry people what next?

All this time we have been worrying about robots becoming intelligent and then taking over in a ‘Terminator’/’matrix’ style armageddon. When the real robotic threat to human kind began growing in the shadow of our ignorance. It is of course Christian fundamentalist robots.

Think about it; preachers on the street who only need a small break to replace a battery, a built in radar to find and harass anyone trying to subtly avoid them and of course a laser to destroy the heathens that mock them. Robotic ministers will have extra levy with children due to their coolness factor, how can teachers/parents compete with something that can shoot fireworks from their fingers and beam knowledge through the little tykes’ retinas? Little boys will be cuing up to lose their anal virginity to the Mega Pope, model 10. A whole generation will grow up believing in creationism, ignoring evolution and dinosaurs. Worse still, chips will be shot through our head so throughout the day we will hear empowered speeches about the evil libertarians and their progress, with the voice of Cliff Richard melodiously in the background. Robots could be the end to science for ever.

Revolt! Revolt!

Smash your toaster with A.I intelligence; destroy your cooker with its intelligence chip and that bread maker with more buttons than you actually need.

Don’t touch those extra Christian buttons.

www.techdigest.tv/2010/05/japanese_couple.html