Riots, Cameron and Dog Dad.

David Cameron blames the recent riots on broken families.
Fatherless children are apparently the Alzheimers disease that is sending Britain socially senile.
Growing up in coventry, a land over run by bastards-correct definition-I was one of the masses. I have been basically fatherless since I was seven. I will explain why I use the word 'basically' later, but I have not seen my biological dad for 21 years.
However, as a lawful maths teacher, reasonably educated, a reasonable moral compass and with some sanity(some posts aside). I feel despite what Cameron says I feel I turned out good..well ok...or okish.
I can also personally vouch for many friends-who do not fall in the bracket of nuclear family-who are simply awesome people.
However, is Cameron simply wrong or is it just because my mother was a brilliant, dedicated and strong parent?
She was worth two parents.
Although, my mother did worry that I would have no strong male model. However, she had a plan, an inspired plan.
My mother got us a dog.

Yes, a dog.

My mum always said a dog was similiar to a man. Firstly, you always have to clean up their shit. Secondly, you sometimes have to give them a quick kick in the testicles to stop them humping you. (Useful advice ladies).

My mother - and I guess my dog 'Chi chi' - took the role of my father very seriously. They made sure I took part in all the father/son, family and male bonding excercises. For the most part I felt that I did not miss out; the country walks, playing catch, going to sporting events and hunting were bonding excercises that Chi chi fulfilled admirably.

However, there were some drawbacks. Getting disqualified from the three legged race because we had five was upsetting. He never really made a convincing Santa Claus- Santa should have a hairy face but he shouldn't piss all over my younger sister in excitement.

Despite the problems. He was never angry with me, supported me and help me grow as a person. What more can you ask of a parent?

Although, I think my mum may had taken it a bit far. I know that many kids catch their parents in the throws of passion but....maybe i've said too much.

Now, that story may not be true. My family may never have owned a dog, but what it says about society still rings true. Possibly???
Also, sorry mum if you ever read the latter part of this post.

Can relationship fiction be greater than the lack of relationship fact?

I am neurotic, self obsessed and odd.

I thought about applying to Match.com, due to my lack of female suitors. However, when it came to describing myself these were the only three words that came to mind. Not necessarily what women want to hear. Lying was an option. An option that seemed all too crass and unseemly. I struggle to lie convincingly in written word positively about myself, unless to (try and) create humour. It feels like I am a cheap word prozzie. (I have to take many showers after filling out job applications and writing up my C.V.)

So what am I to do?

I’ve decided to take a new-and I think-unique course of action. Partly, due to my growing cabin fever I’m feeling this summer after injuring myself on an ‘inspiring’ adventure. I fear sitting alone in my house has corrupted my mind further than I ever thought possible.

I have decided to make myself an imagination girlfriend.

‘Sicko!!’ I hear you scream.

Although partly true, I’m not creating a partner out of sown limbs, stolen from sexual conquests like the film ‘May’.  I am also not buying a sex doll and making her my- live in-girlfriend, like the film ‘Lars and the Real Girl’. (Incidentally I would recommend the latter but not the former- in film not in act). My girl will be truly ethereal, and importantly will not damage anyone-apart from my sub conscious.  

However who will be my fantasy tryst?

I have noticed that the female characters that I have written have either lacked real depth or are plagiarised heavily on girls I know. I obviously can’t use real girls, as an infatuation on them is bound to cause problems. Apparently, girls don’t like it when they find you rummaging through their underwear draw breathing heavily.

What to do?

If I cannot plagiarise real life, why not plagiarise notable writers? Other writers have done it before me.And, it works for them.

I have decided to compile a list of ten fictional prospective girlfriends from literature, films and history. This is the first five instalments. They are in no particular order, but who will I conclude to be the winner?

1. Amelie Poulain

Amelie- from the film of the same title- I feel would be on many people’s list. She is played amazingly well by Audrey Tautou. Her quirky style and personality is very endearing. She is cuteness personified and magnificently French. I have always liked the idea of dating a French woman, or indeed a French stereotype. I like their supposed snottiness, self importance and dangerous sexiness. Growing up in the West Midlands, the French accent is mind blowingly attractive next to the mindless bashing together of words of the women in my home town-no offence.

However, her being French is less significant to how she views the world, her interactions with the people she meets and her romantically entanglement with Nino Quincampoix. She is morally courageous, and not in a fantastical way. The acts that she does, everyone could do, she is a woman that morally inspires.

 Not to mention that she often speaks to innate objects- her view on (or lack of view on) reality is very interesting to me. I am very much drawn to the idea of having an argument with her, and her turning around and saying;

            ‘Well, the tea pot thinks you’re a dick.’

Or better yet;

            ‘Eh bien, la théière pense que tu es un connard.’

2. Mikal

Mikal-a character in ‘Wristcutters-A love story.’ played by the sheer beauty that is Shannyn Sossamon. Is again a quirky character, which will be among the running themes of the list. However, unlike Amelie she has an anarchist edge to her. Her repeated destruction to signs excites my closet anarchist side. I have never stolen anything in my adult life, apart from a ‘Do not steal’ sign from ‘Big W’. She also steals something similar.

How can you deny a connection like that?

I have also found myself to have a growing fascination with girls that are heterosexual but look like angry lesbians. I’m not sure why? But, there is nothing hotter than a girl that you’re not sure of the sexuality, and then ‘Bam’ they’re straight.

3. Sheeni Saunders

Sheeni- a character in ‘Youth in Revolt’. I must emphasize that it is the Sheeni Saunders from the book not the film. Which unfortunately means that this blog becomes slightly morally grey…? Or at least greyer…. Or maybe blackish grey….

Fine. It’s completely black.

In the film Sheeni, is sixteen. However in the book, Sheeni is-well- fourteen.

‘Oh dear’, the more polite of you cry.

I’d rather not repeat what the less polite of you would cry.

In the book Sheeni, is strong willed, highly articulate, intelligent and a bitch.

How could you say no to those four attributes?

Fine.

I’ll take her off the list.

3. Boudica

Despite a possible Hygiene issue. She defeated conquering Roman armies in the height of their power. She was a strong and powerful woman. She could probably crush a human head with her bare arms. Imagine what she would be like in bed. It would be like making love to a female tiger, a female tiger with smooth skin and baparoonies.

Enough said.

4. Asami Yamazaki

Oriental girls are another stereotype that I am attracted to. Some of you may be thinking, is there any group that I am not attracted too.

Yes, is the answer to that.

I don’t like normal girls, girls that are more concerned with wealth, materialistic goals, babies and nights out than the fragility and meaninglessness of existence, the consistency of wheatabix and whether their best friend is actually a shaven bear.

I realise if you want to live a pleasant and easy life, the former is probably the best course of action. However, if you want to woo me, than it has to be the latter. (Maybe I should write that for my Match.com)

Asami Yamazaki, played by Eihi Shiina in the brilliant film ‘Audition’- is far from normal. She takes the phrase ‘Bunny Boiler’ to a new level.

As a self proclaimed self-obsessive, how can I say no to someone who gets so infatuated with someone that they are willing to drug them so they can’t move, and then cuts of their limbs.

Now, that’s dedication. It really puts marriage vows into perspective in the very least.

In an attempt to build excited tension, I will put the last five in another post.

What could they be?

Or could I have a change of heart when I realise this gives away to much of my disgusting sub conscious?

Or better yet could I get involved with a real woman?........

It seems unlikely

I have already checked and there is no box to tick for looking for women who think friends are shaven bears on Match.com.

Oh hum.